Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
