Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
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