Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
