Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
