But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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