does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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