How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
