How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
