Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
