But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
