Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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