So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
