I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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