Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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