oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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