I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
