my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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