yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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