meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
