Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
