My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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