just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
