i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
