That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
you had me at cake vodka
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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