smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i just made my gag reflex go away.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
it's like heaven, but drunker
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
