i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
