Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
