Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Randomize
