You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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