I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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