did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
