If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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