you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize