Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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