Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Randomize
