I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
