I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
