How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
