I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I have peed in a lot of sinks
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
