drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Randomize
