I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
