So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
