It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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