she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
either way he was missing a nipple.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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