You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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