If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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