fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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