Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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