I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
