Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
