just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
