Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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