Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
