Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
