i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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