Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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