SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
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