I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
The uberlube is also flammable
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
