I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
