Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
you win again, gameday.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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