Girls should come with a carfax report
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
