sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
